Let me remind myself, that though I work, live, walk, talk, etc. with with people who walk the normal line, that I don’t have to judge myself for being different. Let me remind myself that I am not here to appease anyone’s grand ego, but to speak out as an artist; and that I have given my life to be able to stand here right now and say these words, knowing I have nothing to lose.
How does one get to the point of having nothing to lose? Hmmm… Maybe after losing it all?
I have resurrected from the dead so many times! I brought myself out of the ashes of rejection upon rejection. As a child orphan, I was the most forgotten, the most unloved, the most irrelevant. Everyone got new shoes. I didn’t. Everyone went to the movies. I had to stay behind. When my pets died I couldn’t cry. Tears were not allowed. When my mom died, I couldn’t cry. Tears were no longer possible. We moved on and kept moving. One step after another, one year after another. Yes, I did come to my breaking point, but that was many years later. And there was no one there to help or understand.
I drug myself out of the underworld of despair not to sit at the feet of society and obey. Please don’t look at me if you think I’m that girl. (rolling my eyes)
Now I stand, at peace with myself, for I have fought a good fight, and I won. I won. It’s not anything that I can undo. Nor can I pretend I never fought. I’ve tried to hide my scars under pretty clothes and beautiful smiles for long enough. I’ve tried to be like everyone else, you know, normal. Didn’t work.
Tangled up in straitjackets and ropes, I realize that it’s not that I choose not to be “normal”, but that I can’t. I can’t pretend to not see injustice when I see it. I can’t pretend that when one person treats another with impunity it’s OK. I can’t walk by and say nothing. When I see everyone bowing to the psychological giants of the world, I can’t pretend that I, too, bow to them.
This is my rebellion. I will stand where I want to stand, say what I want to say, live how I want to live, be what I want to be, and there is nothing anyone can do about it. You can choose to not associate yourself with me. Many do. It’s alright. The door is open always. You can come in. You can also leave. Be warned, staying is not for the weak of heart.