Today is a day for standing on the mountain top.
Today I stand looking over the timespace span of valleys, rivers, forests and hills I have crossed. Remembering, yet once again, the journey of lonely roads and stormy nights, then unexpected days of glory. I was alone for the longest time! I seemed to be accompanied only by strange creatures, like bats and stray cats. Sometimes they were benign ghosts standing by or scary vampires threatening to suck out the last bit of energy I had in me (this was how the fear felt inside of me). Angels showed up here and there not for any important reason, it seemed, but just to tell me to keep doing what I was doing, which I kind of already knew. My favorite encounters were the sense of the presence lost loved ones and indigenous ancestors, and of course, actual friends stopping by for a chat–real life, flesh and blood, friends who’d show up to save my life without knowing it needed saving. When dealing with deep levels of post-traumatic stress, the mind turns itself into all kinds of pretzel shapes. I dreamed of the day when my reality would stand stay in once place! I dreamed of the day when I could be “normal” again, happy again.
Looking back, it was the breadcrumbs that the birds missed that ended up leading me back home.
Now, at the end of my tunnel, how could have imagined that there would be so many flowers blossoming in a field of wonder?
Today I sit back with my coffee in hand, contemplating all these realities and places I shall never return to. I also contemplate the beauty encircling me right now. I have friends that I had been dreaming of having through all my years of isolation. We have great conversations over wine; we cook together and plan parties. I paint, I laugh, I love. I really, really love. Every day I am more filled up with the essence of all this magic! Each beautiful experience is like a flower blooming just for me. I soak up the love they give me. This is water for my next long journey.
I hold the knowing softly in my heart. Every day of suffering was worth it!