never shut up

Today I’m going to write a little about my childhood.  I recently had a beautiful spiritual experience that reconnected me to my mother, who had a nervous breakdown when I was 8 years old.  My last memory of her was of her being very sick with fevers and saying things that didn’t make sense.  I would sit at the edge of her bed and she didn’t even recognize me.  The poor woman finally lost it after so much tragedy she had experienced!  Soon after that she ran away and was picked up on the streets by the police.  Since they couldn’t figure out who she was they sent her to a hospital and she was never reconnected with us again.  She died 4 years later.

This caused me to ice up.  I could not mourn her loss and all I could do was pretend like everything was fine and keep keeping it together, day after day.  My own emotional breakdown happened in my mid-twenties, which put down for several years.  I felt so much shame for being so broken for so long.  Why couldn’t I just get it together? Why couldn’t I just stay stable at a job for once?  Depression was always kicking my ass.  My relationships with family, friends and lovers were full of misunderstandings, hurt feelings and resentment.  However, I fought through it all, and committed myself to honesty. If I was so emotionally screwed up, then that was what I was going to be and accept, and keep moving forward.  One step after another, I did every healing therapy that fell on my path–and that was free! (I had very little outside help).

Today, I am experiencing my family at such a peaceful and beautiful level!  My sisters and I are very close.  As a matter of fact, we are each other’s best friends.  We’ve all lost so much and fought so hard just to arrive at this spot, lounge in a bedroom and listen to our favorite songs on youtube.  This connection with my sisters was all I wanted!  But I got more than that–For a split moment I was able to feel my mother’s presence and could see and experience myself through her eyes.  I could feel that there was never a moment in which I was not totally beautiful and amazing. This is a big deal because my whole life I felt un-pretty, poor and orphaned (I was ashamed to be an orphan).  I was the one nobody wanted.  I was the one no one looked at, listened to, or believed in.  I had lived my life hidden in a corner, afraid to move.  This experience with my mom moved me deeply!  It made me cry.  It made me happy.  It made me confident!

As I write this, I think of all of the girls who have felt un-beautiful, poor and forgotten.  For those girls who felt they could do nothing in order to get the approval of their parents, and whose voices were never heard.  I just want to tell them that it’s better to fight a big fight and cause all kind of hell than to go down quietly.  My wish for these girls is that they become brave and furious and speak louder than anyone has ever spoken before.  This time you will be heard, dammit! It’s better to lose everything– friends, the job, the man, your good reputation, etc.– than to lose your voice and your dignity.  Don’t ever let anyone shut you up again!